Communication and Active Listening

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Listening well is an act of care, kindness, and respect in relationships. Yet, genuine listening is becoming increasingly harder to achieve.  Listening requires energy, presence, curiosity, and an open mind; it is an act of intentionality.  We hear many things, we listen to few of them… and if I am honest with myself - I understand why.   In counseling we refer to this as “Active Listening,” and I believe most of us are too tired or distracted to take on another active task. Let alone another task that does not appear to give back to us. 

“Great, Josh, that sounds pretty bleak.”  You’re not wrong… but after seeing many of my clients make significant strides in this area, I believe we can turn the volume down on distraction and turn up the volume on what truly matters.  Let’s dig in a bit (and yes, there are practical application tips at the end!).

Active listening is one the main pillars of relational connection. It takes us from simply hearing words to curiously exploring the emotions, fears, and hopes beneath them. Simply put, the goal is to show that, “I am here, and you matter.” In doing so, we affirm the content of another's words and the depth of their experience.

Carl Rogers, the father of client-centered therapy, once observed, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!” This form of listening is a gift to others and to ourselves, because in offering our attention, we find the energy of connection - a moment of shared existence where judgment and distraction are less present.

We resist the temptation to interrupt or plan our response while the other speaks. Instead, we enter a space of receptive silence, focusing on what is being said and (my personal favorite) what is left unsaid.  In this way, we actually work less in the conversation.  Most of our interpersonal exhaustion comes from working hard to formulate the “right” response or present in a way that we want to be perceived.  My clients are pleasantly surprised when they realize that active listening provides both the benefit of genuine human connection, and the relief of not “showing up” as someone they are not. 

Communication and Defensiveness

Communication can falter in both the expression of needs and in the method of their delivery. We often couch our desires in the language of accusation… “You never make time for me” or “You always criticize me.” In this way, what could have been an invitation for connection and repair, now becomes a battlefield of defensiveness.

There is an art to expressing needs without blame or aggression, and that art requires some vulnerability. Saying, “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together,” or “I feel hurt when my efforts aren’t acknowledged,” feels like we are risking rejection.  But it also opens the door to the potential of being understood. Vulnerability is not weakness; it is a display of strength and courage. This courage to express our experience, in essence, is an act of trust. We trust the other person to receive our words with a measure of care, and we trust ourselves to communicate without aggression or fear. In doing so, we invite dialogue rather than defensiveness and understanding rather than discord.  (Note: This is best done with people who have shown, in some way, that they can be trusted with your vulnerability.  More to come on this in upcoming posts and videos.) 

As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, “For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks… the work for which all other work is but preparation.” In communication, this work really takes form. When we speak with clarity and compassion, we honor our needs and the relationship, while creating space for intimacy and growth.

And of course, we want to show this sort of disposition when someone is trusting us with their experience.  To limit defensiveness in a conversation, we try to create a respectful environment by using nonjudgmental language and a calm tone. We focus on expressing curiosity rather than criticism, avoid interrupting, and give the other person ample time to share their thoughts without giving an immediate rebuttal. Even if you don’t fully agree, we lean towards empathy, and strive to reflect their concerns to demonstrate understanding. ** Maintaining open body language, such as uncrossed arms and steady eye contact, can also help reduce tension and encourage collaboration instead of conflict **

Communication and Empathy

Difficult conversations can challenge relationships but also provide the opportunity to grow stronger and deeper.  They hold the potential to wound, but also to heal, depending on how we approach them. To handle these moments well, we need to lead with empathy.

Empathy requires us to step into another’s experience, to momentarily set aside our own perspective and try our best to view theirs. This does not always mean agreement, but understanding. In practice, I have found that when people feel their emotions are acknowledged, even if their position is not shared, defensiveness subsides, and dialogue becomes possible.

A client once described a breakthrough with her estranged sister. Years of misunderstandings had formed into resentment. When they finally sat down to talk, my client began with a simple statement: “I want to understand how you felt during those times.” Her sister’s initial anger changed into vulnerability, and what began as a confrontation transformed into a reconciliation. The bridge of empathy had been built, and the two ultimately found common ground. 

Empathy also demands patience. In moments of conflict it is typical to defend ourselves, explain, or retaliate. But empathy causes us to pause, to listen not with the intent to reply but with the intent to understand. As Marshall Rosenberg reminds us, “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” When we approach conflict with this lens, it creates an opportunity for deeper connection.

In navigating difficult conversations, respect acts as a guide. Even when emotions run high, we can choose words that convey both our feelings and the dignity of the other person. This is not always easy, but it is always worthwhile. 

Practical Steps

To practice active listening, start by creating a distraction-free environment where you can truly focus on the other person. Put away your phone, turn off the TV, and shift your mental energy toward being present. As they speak, resist the urge to formulate a response or interrupt. Instead, aim to reflect back what you hear, either by summarizing their words or acknowledging the emotions they express. This helps the other person feel seen and understood, which is a powerful way to build trust.

When expressing your own needs, try to replace blame with vulnerability. Instead of saying, “You never pay attention to me,” consider saying, “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend time together.” This small shift fosters understanding rather than defensiveness, opening the door for dialogue instead of conflict. Practicing this kind of clarity not only helps you communicate your needs effectively but also invites a compassionate response from the other person.

Finally, in moments of tension or disagreement, focus on cultivating empathy. Take a step back and try to see the situation from their perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to agree, but acknowledging their feelings can ease defensiveness and create a space for genuine conversation. Patience is key—take the time to listen without rushing to defend your position, and use nonjudgmental language to promote connection rather than division. These small but intentional practices can lead to meaningful, lasting changes in how you communicate and connect.

Citations

1. Rogers, Carl. On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1961.

2. Rilke, Rainer Maria. Letters to a Young Poet. Translated by M.D. Herter Norton, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1934.

3. Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas: PuddleDancer Press, 2003.

Suggested Reading

• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

• The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner

• Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

•  Daring Greatly by Brené Brown